Allergy Guilt: The Invisible But Heavy Weight

The Weight of Guilt

Guilt can weigh heavily on parents with allergies. It shouldn’t, but it still does.

People will tell you that you shouldn’t feel guilty, but that doesn’t change how you feel, and guilt sits like a heavy weight inside you, sometimes feeling like it’s pulling you down so much you can’t move.

The thing about guilt is it’s invisible to everyone else, but it sits inside you, tinting your thoughts, your decisions and everything you do,

With guilt comes shame, and I often see parents who feel so full of guilt and shame, that they actually believe they deserve to feel this way. They sit in silence, not realising that there is a way out and that they are worthy of support.

What is Allergy Guilt?

When we think about what the purpose of guilt is, it’s really an emotion we feel which allows us to tune into our behaviours or actions and then to nudge us to make amends for something we have done. Guilt’s job is, when justified, is to prompt and guide us after an event and then move on. For example, if we’ve shouted at our children in frustration, we feel guilty, this nudges us to apologise and repair.

However, with allergy guilt, the guilt is unjustified and this means you are taking too much responsibility for something that wasn’t your fault. Yet guilt becomes the punishment you feel you deserve.

People tell me they feel guilt for a range of different reasons.

Thinking that they’ve caused their child’s allergies.

Thinking that they’ve missed initial signs and/or symptoms of allergies, resulting in delayed diagnosis.

Guilt about allergic reactions.

Guilt for missing something on the ingredients list.

Guilt for making a ‘wrong’ decision.

Guilt for having to say no to things.

Guilt for wishing things were different.

Guilt for seeing their child miss out on things.

Guilt for not being able to make things better.

Guilt for feeling preoccupied and anxious and then worrying about not being a good enough parent.

One of the things which surprised me most starting in the field of allergies over six years ago now was just how ripe guilt was.

Guilt is felt through all strands of life and it often just continues to multiply. Like the guilt fuels more things to feel guilty for.

Why Addressing Guilt Needs to be a Priority

People telling you not to feel guilty doesn’t work. If we’re going to lift the weight of guilt this has to come from within.

This is a challenge, because to do this you have to not just want it, but believe you are worthy to not feel guilt. But the very nature of guilt is it makes you believe you are not worthy.

But let me give you another reason why it’s time to.

If you’re carrying guilt then this can be overwhelming, as you are holding yourself to impeccably high standards as a way of trying to make things better. This is because you see the risk of not being on top of everything as too great and as such you subsequently put your own needs to the bottom of the pile and over time your child see this.

Overtime, they start to see their allergies as something which is a stress for the family. They see their worth as needing to get everything perfect and release the emotional burden they see their parents holding. They learn to see their allergies as not just an inconvenience but the cause of problems.

They take on some of this burden, they fear making mistakes. They also see it as being normal to put their own wellbeing bottom of the priority list. And this is how guilt, unknowingly, subtly over time ripples through the whole family.

So What Can We Do? The Importance of Self Compassion

I can’t stress enough how important self compassion is as a parent, but even more so an allergy parent as a first step in starting to strip back the layers of guilt.

Some first steps for you to try

If this article resonates try gently asking yourself these questions as a way of getting started.

1. What is the function of my guilt?
2. What is this guilt achieving?
3. Do I really truly deserve to feel this guilt?
4. Would someone who knows we well, say I deserve this?

Overcoming guilt takes time. Due to the shame attached, it’s often a private journey and not one you’re suddenly ready to start sharing with your GP or a therapist, which was a huge driver behind the creation of my eBook.

Managing Guilt When Your Child Has Allergies, shares my favourite, tried and tested methods from therapy. Compassion is at the heart, woven throughout , modelling how to be compassionate and giving you the skills to do this for yourself. It helps you identity your personal guilt narratives and some of the actions that overtime have become adopted because of guilt, but which may be inadvertently keeping it going.

It gives you confidence, self believe and the compassionate gentle nudge you need to lift the burden of allergy guilt.

Bite size chapters, 10-15 minutes a day. Can be done with a cuppa or a glass of wine..